High School of Weak Knocks
by FF8 Squall Lionhart
Summary: Have a favorite character that is THE stuff, then becomes stuff? Here's my interpretation on the hundreds of stories written to rectify the horrible mangling of Gohan's character. Hopefully you'll find it funny.
1. Idiotic Beginning

Disclaimer: The following is a production of no enterprise, corporation, group, or intelligent being. It is instead a mass of stupidity, and dry humor. Enjoy at your own risk. Oh yeah, for some reason almost every author is obligated to say they don't own it at the beginning of every chapter, as if the title of the website they're on doesn't tell the reader beforehand. They don't even bother to say who DOES own it. I won't either.

Chapter 1: Idiotic Beginning

Gohan continued to train for the seven years after the Cell games. For some inane reason, best explained through a flashback, he decided he needed to be extremely strong.

Flashback no jut… Oops sorry, wrong genre.

Gohan lay on his back, depressed, contemplating going "emo". He didn't know what "emo" was, as there was no such thing in the world of DBZ, but alas, he was contemplating it.

After a long period of thought, during which he decided his father would have wanted him to continue training, he decided against going "emo". He wouldn't have the time for it between training, and the studying his mother forced him to do. Sure he was able to pass high school at the age of 2 months old, because he's just THAT smart, but he still needed to study a ridiculous amount of time every day.

Ridiculously named flashback segment: RELEASE… wait that's still the wrong genre.

He now had developed a "bad-ass" attitude. Even with his new "'tude", his mother was still able to force him to go to school. It didn't matter much to Gohan except he would actually have to interact with human beings that he hadn't known from birth. It was an almost foreign concept to him. Nonetheless, he would be cool, and make no social errors.

I LIKE SAYING LINE BREAK A LOT! I LIKE SAYING LINE BREAK A LOT! I LIKE SAYING LINE BREAK A LOT!

Gohan walked into the classroom in moron high, thinking most of the morons probably were. The teacher chose at that moment to introduce him to the class, as apparently students are introduced to their classmates in a lecture hall.

"Good morning, class. Today we have a new student. He appears to have some modicum of intelligence, as scored perfect on both the exit, and entrance exams. I'm not quite sure why he's here, now that I mention it…" the old man rambled. Finally he decided to mention "Oh yes, his name is Gohan Son."

A snicker came from the back. The blonde-haired idiot, sitting near an equally blond bimbo, was unable to stop his laughter as he asked aloud: "Who names their kid Son?" between laughs.

Realizing that some, perhaps most, people wanted to be Japanese for their anime, and other such items, that names were switched, Son, err Gohan, decided to speak up. "My given name is Gohan, and my family name is Son. You may recognize the name as a famous fighter from years ago, but then again none of you are true fans of fighting…" Gohan's new "'tude" somehow made this boring statement send shivers down most student's backs.

Only one seemed to not shiver, though she nearly swooned. Apparently "falling in love" was now a process that took seconds, and by the looks of it the ugly biker chick like him. Gohan's new attitude told him: "Hey you could get some", while the respect his mother had pounded into him with her 3309 frying pans told him to be respectful to her. Deciding that he didn't need respect at the moment, he went with his new attitude.

Whatever he should be doing in school, it didn't matter. He wouldn't learn anything, except perhaps some more intimate details of the young ladies seated around him. Speaking of seated, the teacher was staring at Gohan, having already directed him to his seat. The blonde bimbo was waving at him. Slowly he walked up and sat down into the empty chair.

The students around him, that mattered that is, introduced themselves. He treated them all with cold indifference, while really enjoying it. For some reason his new attitude loved being a jackass to total strangers he would have to be in the proximity of for the following year.

A pointless filler lecture started, and continued, and continued, and continued, until finally it was time for lunch. Clearly showing his vast intellect, Gohan gorged himself on a capsule lunch sent by his mother, in front of every student that chose to investigate the weird sounds from the roof.

Gym proceeded lunch, rather than precede it before a student had the chance to eat. It caused for many more cases of vomiting and sluggishness, but that was the way the schedule was, and Gohan didn't care.

The "Gym Teacher" turned out to be some famous celebrity that Gohan happened to know. It was, of course, Yamcha. He decided to retire from being the best baseball player to teach at a random high-school that Gohan happened to attend. Again, showing his superior intellect, Gohan tried to hide, and when caught accepted Yamcha's horribly flawed excuse of being a substitute.

That day baseball was scheduled for gym. Gohan thought it went well, though all of the odd looks he was getting, even though his demeanor screamed: "DON'T LOOK", told him something was probably amiss. It might have been that he had changed from the dorkish clothing his mother forced him to wear into a short-sleeved shirt for gym. His test scores, coming from a person that obviously worked out, was more unlikely than a man being struck by lightning twelve times in one night. Apparently that had happened to Vegeta when he flew too high on his way home after something. He had no reason to be flying home, but was; when he was struck by lighting numerous times, each time able to shake it off due to his saiyan heritage. It somehow mattered in the absorption and dispersion of energy throughout his body. There were no physics to back it up, but he's from DragonballZ, so that detail didn't quite matter.

Next Chapter: Baseball Stupidity


	2. Baseball Stupidity

-claimer: I claim that I have no claim over the original characters. I'm just an oddball that devotes his time to nothing constructive. I will say this though; DBZ ain't nearly as messed up as Naruto is.

Last time on a fan fiction poorly modeled after an anime:

Gohan continues to train until his mother makes him go to school, via her 3309 frying pans. Upon arrival he scares nearly all of the students with some stupid sentence. The one not afraid managed to fall "in love" in less than 10 seconds, without even having introduced herself. The students listened to a filler lecture, had lunch, and then went to gym.

Chapter 2: Baseball stupidity – derailed

Gym, a class period usually reserved for physical exertions of some sort, was scheduled to be occupied by baseball. Yes, physical education in this Japanese school is playing the great American sport of baseball. Unfortunately, the teacher had been injured on his way to work the previous day. Gohan not ending the bank heist on the first day caused the teacher to get hurt. How? He was staring at the bank as he walked by, and twisted his ankle. This would normally be a small problem, but not prevent him from teaching. The problem was that this teacher happened to be kind of stupid, he IS a gym teacher, and ignored the pain. The twisted ankle hid the pain from a broken toe, which exposed bone marrow into his bloodstream. This caused clotting, and would eventually cause the teachers death. Pity nobody cared.

What people DO care about is the substitute gym teacher. Two world famous characters offered to take the job, as they were out of work. These same two characters also know Gohan personally. One may think that there would have to be some sort of connection for two people from as different regions as Krillin and Yamcha to both offer their services, but there wasn't. Insane coincidences happen in fiction. Yamcha would have been the logical choice, as the current subject was something he was world famous for, but the school board decided his tendency to both start, and participate in bench-clearing brawls would be a bad influence for his prospective students. Instead, somebody whose only qualification for teaching is he performance in a fighting tournament. Yes, somebody who didn't even attend high school was hired to teach.

Krillin, not even knowing what a syllabus is, decided he wanted to teach martial arts, direct violence against fellow classmates. Yamcha was definitely the worse choice of the two.

Either way, Krillin was in charge for gym.

The generic fighting class gym took place. Videl challenged Gohan. Gohan responded with a "perfect stance". At this point, I feel obligated to point out there really IS no perfect stance. A large part of Goku's power through Dragonball was the ability to imitate his opponents' movements, such as when he used drunken fist against Roshi. Videl probably has a better stance than Gohan, but her base physical skills are so far below Gohan, it just doesn't matter. Gohan could kill her by sneezing.

After about 30 seconds of "fighting" Gohan walks away, deciding his timing would make him seem as badass as possible. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that his character is the fundamental archetype of reluctant fighter.

Nothing else of note happens. Krillin didn't have Gohan do any sort of practical demonstration.


	3. Random Filler

Header: Who doesn't like 'em?

Previously on this crap modeled after a television show:

Yamcha was pulled into this random story to "teach" gym. We all know world-class baseball players teach at random-ass high-schools, right? A-Rod teaches at mine, by the way. Ugh Yankees.

Chapter 3: Random Filler

Gohan was able to leave directly after gym, as it was his last class for the day. His flight home was interrupted by a memory of that morning, which was conveniently left out from the first chapter.

Another crappy flashback separator, killing any semblance of flow in this fic:

Gohan was just "jogging" to school, having already flown to the entrance of town, when he heard random gunshots. He, being a badass really didn't need to investigate, but decided to anyways. Apparently the cops were having their asses handed to them. Somehow the thugs had gotten a hold of high-powered weaponry, such as fully automatic machine guns, and even a rocket launcher.

Gohan, being the most intelligent being on the planet, jogged into an alley, removed his school ID from his shirt, dropped his backpack, and transformed into his super saiyan 3 state to "hide" his identity.

The super saiyan 3 walked out of the alley, and proceeded to beat the shit out of the thugs. Saiyans are supposed to be aggressive, aren't they? Gohan did get shot in the chest, though all the bullet did was rip his shirt. There were also a few random one-liners thrown in there to intimidate the thugs, as if the additional advantage was needed.

The main character ran back into the alley to put the rest of his clothing on, having the bright idea to cover the bullet hole in his shirt with the orange star school badge. Gohan then went to school… where random crap you know happened.

And I break the fourth wall again… is it annoying yet?

Gohan, again being the most intelligent being on the planet, decided to see if the second most intelligent being on the planet could create him some sort of disguise so people wouldn't recognize him when fighting crime, as if carrying a random pair of pants and fighting shirtless as super saiyan 3 wasn't enough. Heck there's no way he could carry a capsule with a gi in it; such an idea is utter insanity! Plus, he can only move several times faster than the speed of light, there's no way he can change quickly enough to intervene in the typically prolonged gunfights the police seem to constantly be in.

Anyhow… Bulma was able to create a wristwatch, which quite obviously doesn't actually tell time, that would serve as a instant costume change for Gohan. Because this is a retelling, Bulma didn't create the moronic "Christmas suit", but instead went with whatever the author thought was cool, typically a gi, with black spandex under it. Really though, spandex? Who thinks spandex is actually cool?

Gohan took this new costume out for a test-drive, and stopped a random driver. He was much "cooler" in telling them to not speed, or drive recklessly.

Unfortunately the car he stopped was a police car, en route to another bank-robbery. Gohan didn't notice this, and just proceeded just as in the anime. This mistake did cause a few policemen, and more notably Videl, as she was forced to fight 4 men armed with machine-guns alone, to be slightly angry with the new hero of the town.

I LIKE YELLING FOR NO REASON

Gohan arrived home, trained for several hours in an attempt to reach super saiyan 4, nearly succeeded, then went about his nightly rituals. Chichi did rip him a new one for ruining his shirt… again. Getting shot at, either by a thug or pissed off Vegeta after a particularly stupid comment, was apparently bad for shirts. He took all of the abuse with stoicism, never once reacting to the woman that was somehow able to "tame" Goku, the most plot-protected character to ever grace Dragon Ball Z.

Eh yelling is overrated.

Well this is the end of another crappy chapter. Slightly longer, I think, but just as bad. I was going to angle for a few more jokes, but all of this is being written on a whim, so I have no idea what's going on. I actually have some clue where some of the jokes will go. If you actually like this, reviews tend to make me actually write. This isn't really doing anything for me. I'm not one of those insane… never mind. I don't find a large amount of joy in writing this, more its something that can waste time waiting for my laundry to finish (college machines, meaning you need to stay or your shit will be on the ground). Next chapter should be making fun of the "date" Gohan goes on. Can you even imagine how badly I'm going to mangle it?


	4. The Date

Last time on a poorly written story modeled after a poorly told animated series:

There was filler. The filler is less than 800 words. If you need to refresh what it says, just read it. The entire "story" is under 2500 words. Oh yeah, Gohan became known as the "Gold Fighter" because you all answered in a poll that Great Saiya-man, and whatever other names I made up suck… wait wrong story.

Chapter 4: A Date?

Gohan woke up at four AM, and went outside to train. The horrible lack of sleep, combined with constantly straining his muscles SHOULD cause damage and decrease the efficiency his training, though being a Saiyan automatically means he can do as much damage to his body as he wants and NOT feel any consequence whatsoever.

Chichi called Gohan in for breakfast at approximately seven, allowing one hour for eating, showering, dressing, using the bathroom, not shaving because main characters NEVER need to shave in a fan fiction, and traveling what must be over 300 miles away according to the single exclamation of surprise from Erasa. Yeah, Gohan can move that fast. Remember, he's a Saiyan.

After a leisurely 3minute breakfast, shower, etc., Gohan left for school, taking care to don the costume Bulma made for him. Videl, as always, attempted to accost the "bad-ass" Golden Fighter during the trip; though this time she had a perfectly valid reason to arrest him. Interfering with police, damaging public property and fleeing the scene of a crime are all actual crimes our "favorite vigilante" has engaged in.

Gohan, a character that is able to move so quickly trained fighters such as Piccolo and Krillin can't see him, couldn't seem to shake Videl off of his tail. We here at low-quality international love plot-holes. After a boring conversation that was supposed to make Gohan seem even more awesome, the Golden Fighter goes to school, being sure to NOT use his "ki-radar" when he looks around to see if anyone can see him change back into his normal clothes.

A filler female character… let's call her Bill, somehow "sees" the "Gold Fighter" become Gohan. What follows is a conversation where a weak girl that nobody knows black-mails our protagonist into a date. Seriously, blackmailed into a date. She must have no soul… stupid ginger. Girls do take note: forcing a guy to go out with you is NOT the way to start a healthy relationship.

Would you like some tea?

We cut to a random part of the day so the author can show off his knowledge in one of his school subjects. Mr. Expendable stood at the front of the class explaining how to integrate by parts. An easy question has been selected, in this case integrate xe^x. As usual, bad-ass Gohan fell asleep in the back of the room. As usual he was called on to be an example, despite it being about his third day at a new school, and perfect entrance exams. I thought the new guy usually got a break. He also answered correctly, as usual. For those of you that haven't taken a second semester of calculus, the answer is xe^x-e^x

I still think yelling is overrated.

We cut to another portion of the day, where Gohan is on a date with… Bill. Bill, being the mildly feminine, soulless ginger of all of our nightmares, has trouble keeping Gohan entertained. Dinner was an extravagantly poor affair, topped by Bill calling for the bill, and noticing it was taller than her. Hey, Japanese women are short.

The fire scene still happened, the date was still boring, and we still don't care. At all. I still have no ideas for this scene. At all. The fire scene happened, just as you would expect. There were people screaming, dry-wall burning, Videl screaming and general pandemonium. Citizens died. Nobody cared. The "Gold Fighter" punched a hole in a conveniently placed water tank. That's about it.

The "date" ended with Bill deciding to unveil Gohan's secret. Apparently his heart wasn't in the date he was blackmailed to go on. I can forgive being angry about a bad date, but a bad date you forced? Stupid soulless ginger…

The secret that Bill revealed was that Gohan was gay furry. She saw his "tail" through a locker-room door, and guessed it was some sort of dildo inserted… we don't want to know where. She, of course, was completely ostracized and generally hated by the rest of the school for the next day and a half. After that, nobody cared.

Maybe you see a trend.

A few days later, Videl blackmailed Gohan into training her, or tried to. He just brought up that he could destroy Videl in literally less than a second. She found a different way to get Gohan to teach her to fly. Hey, he was right. He could get some.

I don't think I have anywhere else to go except maybe into the Buu saga… which would be something along the lines of:

"Hey look, its Buu."

"Hey look, its Gohan."

"Hey look… Buu's dead."

I don't hate gingers, it's just something easy to poke fun of.

I'm sorry for something completely off topic, but did you know Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths references the best Harrison Ford line in Air Force One? The Matrix too… wow. If you like laughing at how bad a movie is, watch it.


End file.
